The Devil Loves Bacon – Cards Against Humanity #2

Welcome to the second installment of Cards Against Humanity Stories, where random combinations of CAH cards get turned into full works of fiction.

The Combo: With enough time and pressure, [A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties] will turn into [The Devil himself].

A small rainboot tipped over, spilling a tiny, red pool across the floor.

2 WEEKS EARLIER…

Alice Fox froze mid-stride as the most adorable thing she had ever seen came towards her. Her six-year-old daughter Suzie pulled her arm forward until Suzie realized her mother had stopped. “What’s wrong, Mommy?” Alice just pointed ahead, and Suzie let out a girlish squeal as she saw the tiny piglet sauntering through Central Park. Even though the sky was clear, it wore a tiny yellow raincoat, and matching miniature rubber boots.

The micropig trotted up to them and stopped, calmly sniffing around their feet. Suzie pulled on Alice’s hand, her wide grin and bright eyes begging her mother to let her pick it up. Alice looked around to find the pig’s owner, but didn’t see anyone else. They were standing at the crossroads of two main paths, so anyone nearby should have been visible. Alice looked back at Suzie, smiled, and gave a small nod. Suzie’s eyes grew even wider, and she bent down to pick up the animal. It squirmed a bit as she did so, but quickly stilled and snuggled itself into Suzie’s chest as she held it. “Can we keep her, Mommy? Please?” Suzie pleaded.

Alice knew this question was coming. She continued to look around for someone who might know where the pig had come from, but there was still no one in sight. Alice took another look at the pig. It didn’t appear to have any tags or any other information about who it might belong to. Alice took one last glance around and made a decision. “Well, Honey, she must belong to someone. We can bring her home with us for now, but we have to see if we can find out who her real owners are.” All Suzie heard was “We can bring her home.”

“THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MOMMY! What should we name her? How about Lucy? That’s a good name. Lucy, for…I don’t know what for, but it’s a good name.” Alice chuckled at her daughter’s enthusiasm. She gave Lucy a pat on the head, producing a short series of oinks, and the three of them set off for home.

Alice would soon realize that there might be a problem. While she and Suzie were the only human occupants of the Fox household--Alice’s husband had passed away shortly after Suzie was born--they also had a cat. Angel got along with Suzie wonderfully (and mostly avoided Alice, unless it was dinnertime), but he was an indoor cat, and had never lived with other animals before. Alice wasn’t sure what would happen, but she figured they would just have to wait and see.

As Alice unlocked the front door, the pig leaped out of Suzie’s arms and started doing laps around the living room. Suzie laughed and began chasing her. The cat, who had been lying in the corner, hissed at the new intruder and jumped to perched atop the television set where he remained, watching the proceedings. After a few laps, the pig suddenly stopped, staring up at the cat. It let out a “hmph”, and resumed its circular trajectory. Angel merely narrowed his eyes.

For the next week or so, everything was normal. Alice printed a few “Found: Pig” flyers and hung them up, and made some inquiries to local animal shelters, but no one had reported a missing micropig. They took a few more walks through the park, but never met anyone who was looking for the animal. Alice began to wonder if they would ever find the previous owners. The raincoat and boots they had found it in indicated it was owned by someone--after all, a pig couldn’t dress itself--but if no one came forward, she didn’t see the harm in keeping Lucy. The pig wasn’t much trouble, Suzie was happy, and Angel…well, Angel would adjust.

A few days later, Alice and Suzie were sitting in the living room, watching television with a plate of chips and salsa. Lucy was quiet on the floor beneath them, except when Suzie would sneak her a chip, which she accepted eagerly. Angel, who had avoided the pig with disdain since it had arrived, padded his way down the hall towards the litter box. As he passed the couch, he hissed at Lucy. The pig sprang up and darted down the hall, and the cat followed close on its heels. A commotion came from the other room as the two animals knocked over books, lamps, and other odds and ends in their frantic chase. As they came back down the hall, the cat pounced, and raked a claw down the pig’s back.

The pig exploded in a cloud of red smoke, and the smell of bacon was thick in the air. Alice and Suzie both screamed, and the plate went flying.

“FOOLISH MONGREL.” a deep voice bellowed from the smoke. “BY WHAT RIGHT DO YOU DRAW BLOOD FROM THE KING OF HELL?”

Alice and Suzie continued screaming as a man in a crisp, dark suit stepped out of the dissipating smoke. His patent leather shoes tapped impatiently on the hardwood, and the small horns protruding from his head gave off a dull red glow. He brushed himself off and looked at the two screaming girls.

“OH, COME NOW, STOP IT. I CAN’T SHOW UP ANYWHERE WITHOUT SCREAMING AND HYSTERICS. IT’S TERRIBLY ANNOYING.”

Alice and her daughter quieted, and sat there blinking. “Wh…who are you?” Alice asked.

“WELL? ISN’T IT OBVIOUS? The HORNS DON’T GIVE IT AWAY? SATAN, LUCIFER, BEELZEBUB, ABADDON, KING OF HELL, THE DEVIL HIMSELF! SURELY, YOU’VE HEARD OF ME.”

Alice didn’t have an answer to that. There was a man in her living room, claiming to be the Devil. This was New York, and strange things were known to happen, but this was pushing even her suspension of disbelief. Thankfully, she didn’t have to come up with anything to say, because Suzie spoke first.

“If you’re really the Devil, where’s your pitchfork?”

“I LEFT IT AT HOME.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“HA. OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES. SUCH A PRECIOUS CHILD. I LIKE THIS ONE. BOLD.”

“Fine, you left it at home. But why were you my pig then? And why were you a girl pig?” Suzie demanded.

“BECAUSE I CAN DO AS I PLEASE. A CELESTIAL BEING IS NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT EARTH ONCE IN A WHILE? SPEND SOME TIME WITH THE LOCALS? I HAVE A FONDNESS FOR YOU HUMANS. AS FOR MY DISGUISE, BASED ON MY OBSERVATIONS, IT SEEMED RATHER SAFE. NO ONE WOULD EVER HARM A TINY PIG IN A RAINCOAT. EXCEPT YOUR FILTHY ANIMAL, I SUPPOSE. WHERE DID IT GO? I MUST DEAL WITH IT.”

“You leave Angel alone, you big meanie!” Suzie cried. Alice began to fear that her daughter was beginning to be a bit too bold. Whether or not this man was really who he said he was, he was still a stranger in their apartment, and there was no telling what might happen if he were angered.

Fortunately, at this exact moment, another smoke cloud appear next to Lucifer, this one smaller than the first. A grotesque creature stood there when it cleared, holding a blackened clipboard.

“Ah! Sir! There you are. We’ve been looking for you for weeks! You’re needed in Hell urgently!” the thing squawked.

The Devil sighed heavily. “OH, FANTASTIC. THE MINIONS HAVE FOUND ME. THERE GOES MY VACATION. LET ME GUESS, MEPHISTOPHELES IS CALLING FOR WAR WITH THE ANGELS AGAIN? CAN’T YOU DEMONS TAKE CARE OF ANYTHING WITHOUT ME?”

He turned back to Alice and Suzie. “IT LOOKS LIKE I MUST DEPART. FAREWELL, IT WAS A PLEASURE. OH, AND THANKS FOR THE CHIPS. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE MADE QUITE THE MESS THOUGH.” He was right. When the plate of chips and salsa went flying, it ended up everywhere.

With that, a final cloud of smoke appeared around the Devil and his demon. The apartment shook as they both disappeared.

A small rainboot tipped over, spilling a tiny, red pool across the floor.

Angel came out of hiding, and began licking at the salsa.

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