sarcasm

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Monday, September 8th, 2008 | Life | 1 Comment

1. Lure Them in with Gifts. Make them think you’re a nice, stable person. Buy them a good book or something. Maybe a lollipop. Everybody loves candy. (Timmy, I thought I told you to stay away from the black limousine and the big, fat man with the Skittles…)

2. Once you’ve got them, Be Possessive. Your friends are yours and no one else’s, so make sure they know that. Be sure to give them massive, smothering amounts of attention, because if you don’t check up on them at regular intervals, they might wander off and get new friends with better candy.

3. Insult Them. A lot. Breaking the will of your friend is the best way to lowering the barriers of resistance. You might want to be careful with this one, though. A minuscule fraction of the population may respond to this tactic with a further galvanized will and will only revert to their baser, less civilized instincts and become more of a wild beast. Proceed at your own caution. (Writer cannot be held liable for any biting, scratching, or goring that takes place.)

4. Blame Them for Everything. Keep them on the defensive. Even if you instigated it, it’s their fault. If they even hint otherwise, go immediately back to step 3.

5. If you’re having trouble with step four, Justify Your Actions Any Way You Can. The truth be damned, they don’t know what truth is anyway. Oh, and make sure they know that. It helps with step 3.

6. Cry. It will certainly end in tears. Hopefully, they will not be yours and you will not have to resort to this step. In the event the subject is still standing and not in the corner in the fetal position by this time, the sympathy card can be a powerful one. Just don’t overdo the tears. Nothing screams “I’m intentionally trying to ruin your so-called life!” like the River Nile on your face.

If you’re feeling particularly devious, make sure you’re leaning over something precious to it and easily damaged by water, strategically place a few drops. Much as I hate to admit it, an open Bible is a prime target, because then you can play the spirituality card. You can figure that one out. I have faith in you.

7. If all else fails, Move On. This one’s not worth your time, and there are plenty of other lemmings to prey upon. Find a good one, and break it.

Go on, do it for me.

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